The State of My Union--2005

Mr. Speaker...distinguished guests...my fellow Americans.

Each time I have stood before this body to issue the report of my state—that is, the current condition of my union (or the collection of items that make up my personal realities) versus the meaning of "state" that refers to the certain geographical entity which we may or may not represent or lay claim—I have spoken the same declaration that most of those who have addressed this body have uttered: that I stand before you at a unique time in our history. This moment in which we find ourselves is unique not in its uniqueness, but is rather unique in how its unique qualities are so remarkably ordinary. (pause for applause) This fog of banality that surrounds us is so remarkably removed from anything approximating modernity that it suggests that time travel is not only theoretically possible, but has been successfully implemented, at least in part.

First, let us review the successes of the last year. Foremost in our minds is the end of the nearly nineteen-year conflict with Texas Tech University. No one, me least of all, relishes the prospect of confrontation. I fondly recall the late eighties, when victory and peace seemed possible, yet eluded us. By the mid-nineties, the quagmire (yes, I use the word willingly and with forethought) that was the pursuit of a bachelor's degree had grown so deep, the casualties (among which were my dignity, self-respect and tens of thousands of dollars) had mounted to such an extent that resolution seemed a distant fantasy. However, I stand before you holding in my hand a piece of paper that guarantees a bright future of professional irrelevance and the cessation of aggressive hostilities (applause). Upon reflection, one wonders what caused the struggle to rage out of control for so long, but I proudly proclaim that we have found both victory and peace. It is important to continue down this path with a proper humility as well—knowing that aggression still continues in other places: the student loan people, literary agents, etc.

There are bright spots on the economic horizon as well. While deficits remain at all-time highs, I believe we have turned a fiscal corner. Despite the fact that unemployment dominated the third and fourth quarters of last year, we have now found opportunities in the baking sector. While in no way does this guarantee a solid future, I think that hope is on the way. Revenue continues to move upward while cash flow continues to not flow at all. I prefer to think the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train, but the comforting glow of the Gumby lamp that I found at a garage sale.(long applause)Finally, let me report to you that I have sucessfully gotten rid of nearly half of my stuff. Many of those opposed to this program at its inception, after seeing how many fewer items in my possession are covered with cat hair, have since changed their position. The stuff-elimination program was sucessful because we were looking forward, not backward; to the skies, not sideways; inward, not outward. While it may be an occasional incovenience (for example, when we want a potato ricer or a copy of Tom Jones it was a step in the right direction for our "ownership nation."(applause

While I emphasize the positive conditions to be found in this unique time, this is not a moment for unbridled optimism. There are still serious issues to be addressed with unbridled gravity.

For example, situation comedy writers still insist on using the catfight gambit—that is, the implicit inference that male characters will encourage two women in conflict to fight in the hope that clothing will be removed, thus producing a state of arousal. While the catfight gambit stopped being funny in 1989 (if it ever was) they still employ it in a liberal manner. Be assured, members of this sage assembly, I will stop at nothing to bring this menace to a stop once and for all Americans, especially the children. (applause)

In addition, I am well aware that I have begun referring to myself in the third person as "daddy." (e.g. "Daddy doesn't like that!") This unnecessary, unclean and dangerous practice will be ended swiftly and with extreme prejudice. (applause)

In closing, let me remind you of a great clichè. Remember that voice of the Fifteenth Century, Winthrop, when he referred to his "City on The Hill" as a kingdom of possibilities and limitless optimism. While together, with an attention to diversity combined with a surgical focus on our futures we continue our march to that city. However my friends, we have not gotten there yet. Now we stand somewhere short of that hill, looking up at the city gleaming in the sun. Maybe we're in Flagstaff or Raleigh-Durham or Missoula, I'm not sure. But we're here, at this unique moment, looking up at that hill. Maybe squinting a little because it is so bright, but still looking right at it and moving together toward it. Utterly lost in this metaphor, I bid you farewell. God bless you and God bless America. (wave and smile)